Time to say Goodbye
by ninz
Summary: Just a short Danny background story. Includes a sleeping Danny, an old friend, addiction and mixed up feelings. Please R


**Summary: **Just a short Danny background story. Includes a sleeping Danny, an old friend, addiction and mixed up feelings...

**Disclaimer:** Danny's not mine, Rachel is (I'd prefer it to be the other way round, but unfortunately I have no influence over that)

**Author's Notes:** Just a little piece that came to my mind yesterday. It's a bit sad, so you'd better read it only if you're in the mood. Otherwise you might think it's too corny.

Thanks to Marialisa who betaed it!

As always: reviews would make me very happy... like this:-)

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It was a cold Saturday evening in November as Rachel Hammond sat by her window watching as the rain poured down on the brightly lit city. Even though they left her feeling melancholic, she loved these evenings, when it was just her and the view over the still busy New York streets; when she had time for herself and her memories.

Memories from long ago that she rarely had time to think about during a busy week that was filled with work and worry. Memories of people she used to care about; people she had said good-bye to or had simply left behind at some point during her thirty-two years, sometimes without wanting to.

Rachel smiled to herself, thinking how funny it was that there was one memory that always came back to her; funny how it was her favourite memory when it had been the hardest goodbye…

………………

**10 years earlier…**

Rachel's steps were hesitant as she walked up the stairs towards Danny's apartment, afraid of what she would find there. She looked around, asking herself if this really was going to be the last time she would walk through this building.

Rachel paused at the bottom of the fourth flight of stairs unsure if she was ready to go through with this. It could have been so different; Danny had asked her if she wanted to move in only a few weeks ago. His last room mate had moved out after finishing Law School and even although the apartment was tiny – just enough space for two – it was too expensive for Danny on his own.

Rachel sighed and wondered how she could have even considered it; no matter how good it would be for him, she knew it wouldn't be good for her. Although she had been tempted for a while, Rachel knew she had made the right decision.

She arrived in front of the door fumbling in her pocket for the key Danny had given her a long time ago, when things had still been good. She had taken it off her key chain that morning, hoping, half-heartedly, that this would somehow make it easier to give it back to him.

Rachel unlocked the door and went into the small living room with its tiny kitchenette in the far corner. The air inside was as heavy as she remembered and she wondered how long it had been since there had been enough oxygen in the room.

Rachel looked around and her eyes came to rest on the small couch, surprised that it was empty. She wondered how many times she had found Danny curled up asleep on that couch after had he come home so drunk that he hadn't been able to make it to his bed.

He had always looked ridiculous because the couch was way too small for his long body. Rachel thought that the memory of it might have made her laugh if it didn't make her feel so sad.

She noticed that the door to his bedroom was open; she headed over and looked inside, not surprised when she found him sleeping.

Rachel tried not to think about what time he had made it home this morning; it was just after three pm now and to be still asleep Danny must have been out until the early hours of the morning, but that was hardly unusual for him.

Rachel stood watching him sleep as she remembered when they used to go out together; staying up until four am, having fun, getting drunk, feeling free… but her wild days were over; after almost a year of going out every weekend she had begun to find it less and less appealing, and she had found that she had started to prefer a night at home in front of the TV or an early night.

With Danny.

In her dreams, at least.

She hadn't ever told him that, though.

Of course, for a while she had tried to get him to change, but it was senseless and hurting her too much, so she had given in – decided to at least try to put some distance between them. If Danny wanted to flush his life away he would have to do that alone.

And he had.

From what Rachel could tell, his nights out had become wilder and wilder and although she never went out with him now she had found herself called upon to pick him up and take care of him far more often than she liked.

The lack of oxygen in the room was becoming unbearable; Rachel walked over to the window and opened it, enjoying the fresh, icy January air that soon filled the room. She put down her bag of groceries on the dirty kitchen counter and opened the fridge, not surprised to find it almost empty.

As she unpacked the few things she had bought for Danny she began to wonder yet again why the hell she was doing all this. It could be so much easier; put the key on the cupboard by the door, leave a note, maybe even including her new address, and leave without further explanations.

Leave for good.

But she couldn't do that. It just wouldn't be fair on him – considering that there had been times when things had been different, after all.

Rachel hadn't forgotten how their friendship had started, how Danny had been there for her when it had been her going through dark times when her father had been dying from cancer. He had been her only living relative; after his death Rachel had been alone; one the things that she and Danny had had in common since then.

Maybe that had been the reason why he had done his best to disrtract her from thinking about it too much. Because he could understand what she was going through.

And it hadn't just been the nights out with Danny when she had been able to forget her worries and have fun; in fact they had done everything together back then.

Rachel's eyes came to rest on the cooker remembering how Danny used to cook for her almost every evening. They would go grocery shopping together and then she would sit on the couch, watching in amazement as he always managed to turn all those ingredients into a fantastic meal, always creating something new. She could never do that.

How long had it been since they had done that?

Rachel couldn't really remember when it had started to change between them. It would have been easier if there had been an event or something that she could say had triggered it, but there hadn't been. And it hadn't just been Danny who had begun to change; losing control more and more often, his drinking becoming more than just something he did on weekends.

Rachel had changed as well; her feelings towards him had changed. He was more than a friend, or that was what she wanted him to be.

She absentmindedly put the food into the fridge wondering how she could have been so stupid to fall in love with him.

It wasn't that she hadn't tried to get over her feelings for him but she hadn't been able to. One day that she found she couldn't bear it anymore, couldn't go on watching him fall apart, couldn't be there to take care of him or make sure he wasn't going to flunk out of school.

After all, she wasn't even sure if he wanted her to help him, or if he understood the problem he had.

So she had decided it was time to say good bye. That was the reason she was here.

After she had finished putting the things into the fridge Rachel reached into her pocket fishing out her little notebook that lately had somehow turned into a sort of diary. She ripped a blank page from it and started to write her message of good bye.

Yet, no matter how often she had thought about doing this the words just wouldn't come and after a while she stopped trying.

She turned and walked back to the small bedroom, seeing that Danny was still asleep, sprawled across the bed, lying completely still; if there hadn't been that slight movement of his chest – rising and falling with every breath – he would have looked more dead than alive to Rachel.

Realising that this maybe the last time she would ever see him, and was suddenly aware of the emotion overcoming her; the knot in her throat making it almost impossible for her to swallow the tears that welled up and burned in her eyes.

She fought hard and finally managed to regain her composure but it was already too late for one tear as it slowly made its way down her cheek; she wiped it away before it could drop from her chin.

Rachel knew it was time to go and turned to walk towards the door but she heard Danny mumble something and froze, thinking for a moment that he was awake. When she finally dared to turn her head to look, she saw he was still sleeping.

More tears tried to make their way down her face but Rachel swallowed them back down successfully this time. She couldn't stop herself from returning to the bedroom and walking inside. She sat herself on the edge of Danny's bed, expecting him to wake up at any moment.

But he didn't, and Rachel didn't know whether to be grateful or sad about it. She wasn't worried, though, knowing well how deeply he slept, especially after drinking heavily. It had always amazed her – if she drank heavily she slept badly and woke early but for Danny, drinking seemed to be the only way he ever slept well.

Unable to resist, Rachel reached out to touch his shoulder but she pulled her hand back as soon as it made contact, shocked at how she could feel the bone underneath the thin fabric of Danny's t-shirt. She wondered when he had last eaten properly.

A few mumbled words pulled her from her thoughts and Danny made a tiny movement, but still didn't wake up. For a moment Rachel considered waking him but she quickly dismissed this idea, aware that it would be impossible for her to say good-bye to Danny if he was awake.

She had to fight hard to resist the urge to stay here with him, lie down with him; hold him and hope that he would wake up and hold her. He still had the smell of smoke and alcohol on him from last night but a shower could quickly take care of that.

No matter what he was doing to his body – he was still attractive to Rachel and she knew he always would be. Not just to her, though; Danny had always been popular with the girls, and he knew how to make the most of it.

Rachel knew Danny had no intention of hurting her when he took all these other girls to his bed, but it did hurt. It hurt that she loved him so much yet she seemed to be the one girl who couldn't have him.

Why couldn't he return the feelings she had?

He had once told her that he didn't think he would ever fall in love, but Rachel had kept hoping long after that. Too long.

It was time to say good-bye.

She wondered how things would go for him once she was gone – if he would make it or if he would end up… she stopped, not wanting to finish that thought. One thing was certain though, with her gone he was going to have to take care of himself because nobody else would.

Nobody else seemed to notice how he was going downhill. Amongst the other students Danny was known as to be a fun guy to be with who never had any problems attracting girls.

He only rarely appeared for lectures – just often enough to get through exams – yet if he did show up, there was never anything about his appearance that gave away just how deeply he had fallen – how tightly the addiction held him in its grip. No smell of alcohol. He always looked good, sexy even. The only thing he wasn't really able to hide was the weight loss but nobody seemed to notice that. Rachel had to admit that being thin somehow looked good on Danny and he hadn't yet reached the point where it was worryingly unnatural.

Danny was still sleeping as she bent down to place a soft kiss on his cheek and whispered her words of good-bye, hoping that he would forgive her for leaving like this and that one day he would find someone who cared about him as much as she did, someone who would make him take care of himself.

Somebody who would be able to help him more than she had been able to.

After the words were finally said Rachel all but ran from the room, managing to hold back her tears long enough to reach the door to the hall. For moment she thought she had heard Danny's voice calling her name as she opened the door but told herself it was probably just her imagination.

As soon as she was far enough away to be sure she wouldn't turn back she sat down on the stairs and let her tears run freely; sobs shaking her body. The pain she was feeling was almost unbearable.

It was ten minutes before Rachel managed to regain her composure, swallow the rest of her tears, get up and leave the building and finally start to move on with her life.

………………

**Present Day…**

Not matter how hard it had been, Rachel had always been proud of herself for taking that step. She knew it had been the right the decision, yet in all these years, she hadn't been able to forget about Danny, and often wondered where he was today.

And if he was still alive.

Outside the window the rain had turned into snow, reminding Rachel of the forthcoming thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, which she would probably be spending alone again. Just her, and the view over the city; maybe enjoying a glass of wine and the memories that sometimes made her wonder about of how her life might have been if only things had taken a slightly different turn.

**The End**

(At least for now – I think there might be room for a continuation)

Thank you for reading ;-)


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